Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) proposes that the way in which we achieve healing and growth is through the ability to hold and balance the tension between two opposing extremes (dialectics). It also proposes that within relationships we are always balancing 3 things: our needs, our values, and keeping the relationship. Often we can find ourselves sacrificing needs or values in service of trying to keep a relationship going. If you’ve ever held your tongue after an unpleasant conversation with your boss, your in-laws, or that coworker who never gets their projects in on time you are probably familiar with this concept.
Boundaries are inherently about how we take up space in the world. Some of our boundaries may be rigid and others are more permeable. If you find yourself being either too rigid or too permissive in your boundaries you are likely to experience either internal or relational distress. It’s important that we all learn to take up space in our relationships, in our world, and with each other. Boundaries allow us to negotiate relationships in ways that can better balance our values, needs, and the needs of the relationship.
Often I hear folks struggle with what happens after they express a need. Maybe the other person does not meet that need or maybe they have a strong reaction to a new boundary. If this leads you to rescind the original boundary you may find yourself inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior. Or you might find yourself in the camp of expressing a need, but then never following through on it. For example: asking your boss for time off only to find yourself at home checking your work email.
Here’s a quick DBT skill (DEAR MAN) to help you follow through with setting a boundary or expressing a need the next time you find yourself struggling. (I find that it can be helpful to write down and practice what you want to say a few times if you can.)
Describe: describe the situation at hand, sticking only to the facts. Avoid black and white statements (i.e. you never do the dishes! You’re always watching TV when I get home) and instead stick to factual descriptions (i.e. The last three nights I’ve noticed the sink has been full of dishes when I come home).
Express: Express your emotions about the given facts. Use “I-statements” and stick to describing emotions (i.e. sad, angry, happy, frustrated, excited etc). For example: “I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the sink is full of dishes when I get home from work.” Rather than: “I feel like I have to do everything around here because you’re always watching TV!”
Assert: Be specific about how you would like the situation to be addressed. For example: “I would like you to do the dishes before I get home on weeknights.” or “It would really help me feel less overwhelmed if you did the dishes before I get home from work.” Rather than: “Can you do the dishes once in a while?”
Reinforce: Speak to positive or negative consequences of you either getting or not getting what you want. For example: “It would make me really happy if we could work together on keeping the house clean” or “I’m concerned that we will keep having this argument if we can’t work this out.”
The DEAR part is the part I recommend you write down and actively practice like a script. The MAN part is something you’ll want to keep in mind as you are having the discussion.
Mindful: Remain mindful of your goal in having the conversation about your need or boundary. You may need to redirect the conversation if it goes off course. You may also need to remain mindful of your tone and body language if you are having a particularly difficult discussion. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks if you find yourself getting overwhelmed.
Appear Confident: Be clear in what you want, don’t apologize for asking for needs or setting a boundary. Maintain open body language and good eye contact. For example: “I would like it if you did the dishes before I get home from work” rather than: “I’m sorry, but would you mind trying to do the dishes today?”
Negotiate: Be willing to negotiate when appropriate. It’s a good idea, when possible to strategize ahead of time how much you are willing to negotiate and with what. For the example with the dishes, you may consider whether you might offer to help with the dishes on some nights, load the dishwasher rather than doing the dishes by hand, or create a schedule to better manage dish duty. Sometimes, negotiating may not be appropriate and you may need to set a more rigid boundary, so be sure to consider your options ahead of time.
You will likely find that you will have to practice this process a few times before you feel really confident. If you need more support with practicing communication skills, don’t hesitate to reach out!