Boundaries and relationships

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) proposes that the way in which we achieve healing and growth is through the ability to hold and balance the tension between two opposing extremes (dialectics). It also proposes that within relationships we are always balancing 3 things: our needs, our values, and keeping the relationship. Often we can find ourselves sacrificing needs or values in service of trying to keep a relationship going. If you’ve ever held your tongue after an unpleasant conversation with your boss, your in-laws, or that coworker who never gets their projects in on time you are probably familiar with this concept.

Boundaries are inherently about how we take up space in the world. Some of our boundaries may be rigid and others are more permeable. If you find yourself being either too rigid or too permissive in your boundaries you are likely to experience either internal or relational distress. It’s important that we all learn to take up space in our relationships, in our world, and with each other. Boundaries allow us to negotiate relationships in ways that can better balance our values, needs, and the needs of the relationship.

Often I hear folks struggle with what happens after they express a need. Maybe the other person does not meet that need or maybe they have a strong reaction to a new boundary. If this leads you to rescind the original boundary you may find yourself inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior. Or you might find yourself in the camp of expressing a need, but then never following through on it. For example: asking your boss for time off only to find yourself at home checking your work email.

Here’s a quick DBT skill (DEAR MAN) to help you follow through with setting a boundary or expressing a need the next time you find yourself struggling. (I find that it can be helpful to write down and practice what you want to say a few times if you can.)

Describe: describe the situation at hand, sticking only to the facts. Avoid black and white statements (i.e. you never do the dishes! You’re always watching TV when I get home) and instead stick to factual descriptions (i.e. The last three nights I’ve noticed the sink has been full of dishes when I come home).

Express: Express your emotions about the given facts. Use “I-statements” and stick to describing emotions (i.e. sad, angry, happy, frustrated, excited etc). For example: “I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the sink is full of dishes when I get home from work.” Rather than: “I feel like I have to do everything around here because you’re always watching TV!”

Assert: Be specific about how you would like the situation to be addressed. For example: “I would like you to do the dishes before I get home on weeknights.” or “It would really help me feel less overwhelmed if you did the dishes before I get home from work.” Rather than: “Can you do the dishes once in a while?”

Reinforce: Speak to positive or negative consequences of you either getting or not getting what you want. For example: “It would make me really happy if we could work together on keeping the house clean” or “I’m concerned that we will keep having this argument if we can’t work this out.”

The DEAR part is the part I recommend you write down and actively practice like a script. The MAN part is something you’ll want to keep in mind as you are having the discussion.

Mindful: Remain mindful of your goal in having the conversation about your need or boundary. You may need to redirect the conversation if it goes off course. You may also need to remain mindful of your tone and body language if you are having a particularly difficult discussion. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks if you find yourself getting overwhelmed.

Appear Confident: Be clear in what you want, don’t apologize for asking for needs or setting a boundary. Maintain open body language and good eye contact. For example: “I would like it if you did the dishes before I get home from work” rather than: “I’m sorry, but would you mind trying to do the dishes today?”

Negotiate: Be willing to negotiate when appropriate. It’s a good idea, when possible to strategize ahead of time how much you are willing to negotiate and with what. For the example with the dishes, you may consider whether you might offer to help with the dishes on some nights, load the dishwasher rather than doing the dishes by hand, or create a schedule to better manage dish duty. Sometimes, negotiating may not be appropriate and you may need to set a more rigid boundary, so be sure to consider your options ahead of time.

You will likely find that you will have to practice this process a few times before you feel really confident. If you need more support with practicing communication skills, don’t hesitate to reach out!

Therapy, Feelings, and Ikea

I spend a lot of my day talking about feelings. I get to observe people sifting through their feelings, getting stuck, and trying to problem solve. It strikes me that a lot of our relationship with our emotions is centered around trying to change them, control them, or blaming ourselves for having them. For many of us, the only acceptable states to be in are happy, calm, and attentive to the needs of others. Probably one of the most common questions I get asked about feelings boils down to something along the lines of: “How do I make this feeling go away?”

Feelings are sort of like Ikea furniture: confusing, awkwardly constructed, sometimes surprisingly heavy, and, more often than not, just a pile of nonsensical, disconnected pieces until you finally put them all together. You might discover that you have to go back to the store to get some missing parts. You might need tools that weren’t included in the kit. You might need someone to hold up the other end of whatever thing you’re building at just the right angle for you to put it together. A great many of them may have odd names in a language you don’t quite understand. But if you want them to make sense, you’re going to have to slow down enough to read the instructions, organize the pieces, and move forward intentionally rather than just going ham with that tiny Allen wrench.

Somewhere along the way we got it into our heads that instructions are not important, that we can just power through; work harder, be stronger. Under those conditions it’s your fault if the MALM you were trying to build falls apart or looks nothing like the picture on the box. “Just hide the extra bits that didn’t fit, lean it against the wall, and pretend it’s fine.”

But here’s the thing: no amount of hard work and Allen wrenches will suffice if what you actually need is a hammer, a drill, and a friend to hold the other end of the thing you’re building so it doesn’t fall and crush you. No amount of strength will make up for the random dowel you’re missing.

If we keep leaving these things out the whole thing falls apart. We fall apart and it’s not our fault. It’s not because we’re not strong or smart or hardworking. It’s because we don’t permit ourselves and others the time, compassion, and support to put our feelings together in a way that is safe and coherent.

So, to whoever needs to hear this today: you’re enough and it’s not your fault that MALMs are a pain to assemble.

If you’d like support holding up the heavy pieces, or just want some new tools for your toolbox please don’t hesitate to reach out for support!

An intro to mindfulness

There’s a pretty good chance that if you are a human being living in this world over the past few years you’ve heard a lot about mindfulness. You might have even tried an app like Calm or Headspace. You might have heard your friends, coworkers, or family members talk about meditating. So, what is the fuss all about?

Mindfulness is the practice of intentional, non-judgmental attunement, awareness, and attention to the present moment. It is a concept borrowed from Buddhist tradition, which has been used in a variety of clinical and therapeutic applications in the Western world since the 1970s. Notably, it is a major part of practices such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The theory is that if we can stay more present and attuned to our immediate experience in the moment we can develop an observer perspective around our emotions, thoughts, and actions which can allow us to reduce impulsivity and suffering. One of the core tenets of mindfulness practice is being able to accept pain as a part of life but acknowledging that we have control/choice over our suffering.

One of my favorite metaphors for this idea goes like this: Imagine that you are in the middle of a river and you are clinging to a rock. There is debris of all kinds going by and some of it is hitting you as you cling to the rock. Now, as you cling to this rock you might spend a lot of time worrying about what will happen if you let go or cursing the circumstances that got you to this rock in the first place. You might understandably be quite reluctant to let go of this rock. As you desperately float there, being pummeled by sticks and other bits of debris worrying about the future and regretting the past, you are stuck. This is suffering. Mindfulness is about acknowledging that you are clinging to this rock, radically accepting that you will have to let go of the rock to have any hope of getting out of the river, letting go of the judgement of yourself for having gotten stuck in the first place, and actually letting go so you can swim to the safety of the shore.

Mindfulness practices come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You might choose to meditate, you might choose to exercise, you might go for a walk, you might engage in art, dancing, reading, cooking, or making coffee. You might start with simply noticing how much of your day you spend in the seemingly productive, but ultimately frustrating and futile attempt to multitask. The wonderful thing about mindfulness is that there’s no wrong way to get started. It’s merely an invitation to notice and reflect on your observations without judgement.

If you’re looking for some easy practice ideas I recommend trying a guided meditation app. One of my favorites is Down Dog Meditation. You can also check out this book: Practicing Mindfulness: 75 Essential Meditations to Reduce Stress, Improve Mental Health, and Find Peace in the Everyday by Matthew Sockolov. Or you can check out this website for worksheets, guided meditations, and easy ways to get started: Mindfulness Exercises & Free Meditations | Mindfulness Exercises.

A caveat: meditation alone will not magically solve all your problems, cure an illness, or fix all your relationships. Mindfulness and meditation have been shown to change the ways in which our brain processes pain over time. It can allow us to shift our pain from going straight into suffering and pivot more into learning, curiosity, and compassion. I recommend starting with 10 minutes a day. And remember: there’s no wrong way to get started!