Mindfulness and self-care

In defense of doing less

When was the last time you allowed yourself to rest? Really rest; not the kind of rest where you’re thinking about your to do list, the chores you “should” be doing, or the things you didn’t do? There’s a concept I came across at some point over the course of 2020: internalized capitalism. This can be simply defined as the belief that we need to be productive at all times and if we are not then we are failing.

As a consummate overachiever, this one hit a little bit too close to home, but I have found value in reflecting on my own relationship with work over this past year.

If you google “internalized capitalism” you will find a plethora of ways to spot the symptoms:

  • Self-worth is derived from your work performance/accomplishments.

  • Belief that hard work equals happiness.

  • If you are not being “productive” you are “wasting” time.

  • Not working means you are being “lazy.”

  • Rest and fun are things to be earned rather than things you inherently deserve.

  • Placing productivity over health (i.e. showing up to work sick, working from home when you’re sick, taking a sick day and spending it doing chores).

  • Skipping your lunch break to do work, not taking your designated break times when you are at work.

  • Working unpaid overtime, feeling like you have to stay late at work just to get all your tasks done, taking on more work when you’re overwhelmed.

  • Feeling like you “owe” your employer for them giving you a job or feeling guilty about setting limits at work (leaving on time, taking vacation and sick time, saying no to additional tasks when you are overwhelmed).

  • Prioritizing work over friendships, relationships, and rest.

  • Overscheduling yourself or your kids.

  • De-prioritizing sleep so you can get more work done whether it’s chores around the house, studying, or tasks for your job.

If you’re finding yourself cringing in recognition, don’t worry you’re not alone. I’ve been there and am still working on actively dismantling this in my own life. I invite you to join me if you feel so inclined. Here’s a few ideas to get you started:

  • Intentionally practice slowing down and doing nothing by planning a slow day. Turn off the alarm, take the time to allow your body to naturally wake up, eat slower, turn off the screens, sit outside and watch the clouds go by, go for a slow walk.

  • Take inventory of your relationship to your work. How do you feel about your job? What does your job mean to you? What boundaries do you need to set around work time? What feels hard to let go of?

  • Plan for an extra day off from work to recharge once or twice a month to recharge. Notice what mental blocks show up for you at this suggestion.

  • Reduce your screen time. I know this is a cliché, but it’s even more important now that most of us are spending large chunks of our day on screens.

  • Find hobbies and activities that don’t require screens: coloring, drawing, reading physical books, newspapers, or magazines, cooking, crafting, gardening, etc.

  • Choose calmer activities in the evening and be mindful of ambient noise (TV, podcasts, music) and how it makes you feel. Try switching to instrumental music or nature sounds rather than TV shows or podcasts late at night.

  • Be mindful of caffeine intake. Caffeine has a half-life of about 6 hours. This means that if you have 16oz latte at 2pm that has an average of 300-400mg caffeine, you will still have 150-200mg of caffeine in your system by 8pm. If you have several cups of coffee a day this will add up pretty quickly.

  • Allow yourself to step into curiosity and compassion rather than judgement around your patterns. Notice when you speak to yourself in “shoulds” or redress yourself for not following a routine. The goal here is to shift into compassion rather than condemnation.

As always, take time to be kind with and to yourself. If you are struggling with burnout, irritability, exhaustion, depressed mood, and/or anxiety, please don’t hesitate to reach out for additional support.

Therapy, Feelings, and Ikea

I spend a lot of my day talking about feelings. I get to observe people sifting through their feelings, getting stuck, and trying to problem solve. It strikes me that a lot of our relationship with our emotions is centered around trying to change them, control them, or blaming ourselves for having them. For many of us, the only acceptable states to be in are happy, calm, and attentive to the needs of others. Probably one of the most common questions I get asked about feelings boils down to something along the lines of: “How do I make this feeling go away?”

Feelings are sort of like Ikea furniture: confusing, awkwardly constructed, sometimes surprisingly heavy, and, more often than not, just a pile of nonsensical, disconnected pieces until you finally put them all together. You might discover that you have to go back to the store to get some missing parts. You might need tools that weren’t included in the kit. You might need someone to hold up the other end of whatever thing you’re building at just the right angle for you to put it together. A great many of them may have odd names in a language you don’t quite understand. But if you want them to make sense, you’re going to have to slow down enough to read the instructions, organize the pieces, and move forward intentionally rather than just going ham with that tiny Allen wrench.

Somewhere along the way we got it into our heads that instructions are not important, that we can just power through; work harder, be stronger. Under those conditions it’s your fault if the MALM you were trying to build falls apart or looks nothing like the picture on the box. “Just hide the extra bits that didn’t fit, lean it against the wall, and pretend it’s fine.”

But here’s the thing: no amount of hard work and Allen wrenches will suffice if what you actually need is a hammer, a drill, and a friend to hold the other end of the thing you’re building so it doesn’t fall and crush you. No amount of strength will make up for the random dowel you’re missing.

If we keep leaving these things out the whole thing falls apart. We fall apart and it’s not our fault. It’s not because we’re not strong or smart or hardworking. It’s because we don’t permit ourselves and others the time, compassion, and support to put our feelings together in a way that is safe and coherent.

So, to whoever needs to hear this today: you’re enough and it’s not your fault that MALMs are a pain to assemble.

If you’d like support holding up the heavy pieces, or just want some new tools for your toolbox please don’t hesitate to reach out for support!

Burnout and Compassion Fatigue

As we approach the world reopening I can’t help but reflect on the past year and a half. It feels as though we’re all re-emerging after a very long and very weird hibernation; like waking up from a collective bad dream. As we adjust to this new world, slowly, tentatively shedding our masks, seeing people, returning to our offices and sharing space again there is room to celebrate and there is also room to grieve. You may also find yourself, like many others, struggling with compassion fatigue and burnout. In more extreme cases, you may encounter your own trauma or, if you are in a helping profession, vicarious trauma.

Let’s do some term definitions before we dive in.

  • Compassion fatigue: the psychic strain experienced when holding other people’s pain repeatedly or for an extended period of time. Symptoms can include exhaustion, disrupted sleep, irritability, emotional numbing or disconnect, and existential dread. When left unattended, compassion fatigue can develop into vicarious trauma with symptoms similar to PTSD.

  • Burnout: the feeling of mental, physical, and/or emotional exhaustion caused by overwork and stress. Symptoms can include increased distress, irritability, difficulty concentrating, procrastination, and lack of motivation.

Burnout can typically be address by reducing workload, taking a vacation, or taking a break to refresh and reflect. Compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma may require you to do some deeper work. Both have a major impact on our quality of life, happiness, and overall fulfillment. Long term caregivers, medical workers, social workers, and therapists are among those who are particularly prone to experiencing compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma.

Now you may ask, why I am bringing this up now that the world is reopening? This is because as the world reopens and we shift out of actively dealing with a crisis a lot of us may find that we begin to feel the strain of the past year and a half more acutely and in different ways without the immediate crisis to distract us. As we all emerge, it’s a good time to mindfully notice, reflect, and recalibrate our boundaries, expectations, and energies.

I encourage you to start with a simple daily practice:

Take 10 minutes each morning over the next couple of weeks to tune in to your body. Start with 5 deep breaths, filling up all the way to your belly and exhaling slowly. Then, slowly scan your body for any tension, aches, pains, and strains. Allow yourself to move or stretch in any way that feels good to you. You may take a moment to massage any areas that feel particularly tight. Then, allow yourself a moment to ask the question: “What do I need right now?” Don’t overthink it. Just go with whatever show up first. It might be a drink of water, a snack, a hug, a snuggle with your pet. Allow yourself to meet this need.

For bonus points: allow yourself to become curious about how often we identify and immediately begin talking ourselves out of our needs. “I’ll have a rest after I do the laundry/finish this paper/clean the whole kitchen/finish this project for my boss.” Allow yourself these 10 minutes each morning to meet your own needs first, before anyone else’s.

For even more bonus points: try journaling about your experience over the course of several weeks or even months.

You can also check out the books below for more reading and information on these topics:

I recommend completing this scale as a check in about every 6 months for a quick self-assessment: Professional Quality of Life Scale (PROQUOL)

As always, if you are struggling and would like professional support, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’d love to hear from you!