Show me your elephant

Unresolved trauma is like an elephant. A big, clunky, loud creature that moves into your house and won’t go away. Every elephant is different, but the thing about elephants is that their presence, try as you might, is really hard to ignore. Elephants need a lot of time, care, and attention. You might have never planned to be an elephant owner; that was not part of your vision for your life—yet here you are: the reluctant owner of an elephant.

There are many reasons to avoid being around an elephant. Elephants are inconvenient, loud, and huge. Understandably, you may try to ignore the elephant, or tell yourself you don’t have time to deal with an elephant. Perhaps the elephant will give up and go away on its own. The more you avoid your elephant the needier it becomes—at some point it becomes so belligerent that you can no longer ignore it.

You might be excused for fearing an elephant if the only time you interact with it is when it’s misbehaving. It’s not the elephant’s fault that it’s a big animal (an average African elephant can weigh 7 tons). It’s not the elephant’s fault that it needs a lot of food (Did you know an average adult elephant can eat 300lbs of food in a day?). All the elephant knows is that it’s here and it has needs.

Elephants are pack animals. They are kind, intelligent, compassionate, and communal. Traumatized parts of our selves can hold beauty and wisdom. Traumatized parts need compassion and community to heal and be able to share their innate wisdom.

We all have our own elephants and even though some of our elephants are bigger or more belligerent than others, all our elephants deserve to be cared for. The goal behind good trauma treatment should not be to exile our elephants but rather to learn how to befriend them and care for them.

Activity suggestion:

Take some time to create your own elephant. This can be a drawing, a coloring book page, a collage or some other visual representation. Decide on your elephant’s color, size, and name. Add any features or accessories you think are important for your elephant to have. Carry a picture of your elephant with you as a gentle reminder to attend to yourself for as long as you need to.

As always, if you would like some support learning how to best care for your elephant, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Unpacking Emotions

You are likely familiar with the terms “processing” or “unpacking” emotions if you’ve ever been to therapy, or possibly browsed inspirational posts on Instagram. These are terms we use and hear fairly often, but rarely do we get to really dive into what they mean.

Emotions are made up of different “parts” that come together to create a larger experience. For example: when we experience anger, the neurochemistry in our brains creates physical sensations such as muscle tension, increased blood flow, and changes in body temperature. We also experience thoughts related to the situation we are angry about; we might find ourselves ruminating about whatever caused us to get angry in the first place. We may also exhibit external behaviors such as pacing, yelling, etc.

When we “unpack” these emotions we need to look at each of the components to better understand the whole. In addition to examining the emotion in the moment, it can also be helpful to look at patterns. For example, when have you seen this emotion show up in other parts of your life. What did you learn about this emotion growing up in your family of origin? How have you handled this emotion in the past? What other emotions does this emotion bring up for you? (i.e. how do you feel about the fact that you feel angry). This requires us to cultivate what’s called an “observer mindset.”

Here’s a quick mindfulness practice to help you get started:

• Begin by finding a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Take a few deep inhales through your nose and out through your mouth. You want to feel your belly moving.

• Notice your body. Locate a space in your body that feels grounded, neutral, or calm. If this is hard to do, you might just focus on the cool air as you breathe in and the warm air as you breathe out.

• Now come back to the feeling you are trying to unpack. Notice where in your body you feel that. It might be in your chest, your throat, your shoulders or somewhere else.

• When you can connect with that physical sensation allow yourself to vacillate back and forth between the space that feels grounded and the space where you feel the emotion. The key here is to not try to change the emotion or physical sensation but just allow yourself to observe and describe what you notice happening.

• Stay here as long as you like. I recommend about 5-10 minutes. Once you’re done take some time to reflect on what you observed. Notice the thoughts, memories, and physical sensations that showed up.

As always, if you’re struggling and would like additional support please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Therapy, Feelings, and Ikea

I spend a lot of my day talking about feelings. I get to observe people sifting through their feelings, getting stuck, and trying to problem solve. It strikes me that a lot of our relationship with our emotions is centered around trying to change them, control them, or blaming ourselves for having them. For many of us, the only acceptable states to be in are happy, calm, and attentive to the needs of others. Probably one of the most common questions I get asked about feelings boils down to something along the lines of: “How do I make this feeling go away?”

Feelings are sort of like Ikea furniture: confusing, awkwardly constructed, sometimes surprisingly heavy, and, more often than not, just a pile of nonsensical, disconnected pieces until you finally put them all together. You might discover that you have to go back to the store to get some missing parts. You might need tools that weren’t included in the kit. You might need someone to hold up the other end of whatever thing you’re building at just the right angle for you to put it together. A great many of them may have odd names in a language you don’t quite understand. But if you want them to make sense, you’re going to have to slow down enough to read the instructions, organize the pieces, and move forward intentionally rather than just going ham with that tiny Allen wrench.

Somewhere along the way we got it into our heads that instructions are not important, that we can just power through; work harder, be stronger. Under those conditions it’s your fault if the MALM you were trying to build falls apart or looks nothing like the picture on the box. “Just hide the extra bits that didn’t fit, lean it against the wall, and pretend it’s fine.”

But here’s the thing: no amount of hard work and Allen wrenches will suffice if what you actually need is a hammer, a drill, and a friend to hold the other end of the thing you’re building so it doesn’t fall and crush you. No amount of strength will make up for the random dowel you’re missing.

If we keep leaving these things out the whole thing falls apart. We fall apart and it’s not our fault. It’s not because we’re not strong or smart or hardworking. It’s because we don’t permit ourselves and others the time, compassion, and support to put our feelings together in a way that is safe and coherent.

So, to whoever needs to hear this today: you’re enough and it’s not your fault that MALMs are a pain to assemble.

If you’d like support holding up the heavy pieces, or just want some new tools for your toolbox please don’t hesitate to reach out for support!