Unpacking Emotions

You are likely familiar with the terms “processing” or “unpacking” emotions if you’ve ever been to therapy, or possibly browsed inspirational posts on Instagram. These are terms we use and hear fairly often, but rarely do we get to really dive into what they mean.

Emotions are made up of different “parts” that come together to create a larger experience. For example: when we experience anger, the neurochemistry in our brains creates physical sensations such as muscle tension, increased blood flow, and changes in body temperature. We also experience thoughts related to the situation we are angry about; we might find ourselves ruminating about whatever caused us to get angry in the first place. We may also exhibit external behaviors such as pacing, yelling, etc.

When we “unpack” these emotions we need to look at each of the components to better understand the whole. In addition to examining the emotion in the moment, it can also be helpful to look at patterns. For example, when have you seen this emotion show up in other parts of your life. What did you learn about this emotion growing up in your family of origin? How have you handled this emotion in the past? What other emotions does this emotion bring up for you? (i.e. how do you feel about the fact that you feel angry). This requires us to cultivate what’s called an “observer mindset.”

Here’s a quick mindfulness practice to help you get started:

• Begin by finding a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Take a few deep inhales through your nose and out through your mouth. You want to feel your belly moving.

• Notice your body. Locate a space in your body that feels grounded, neutral, or calm. If this is hard to do, you might just focus on the cool air as you breathe in and the warm air as you breathe out.

• Now come back to the feeling you are trying to unpack. Notice where in your body you feel that. It might be in your chest, your throat, your shoulders or somewhere else.

• When you can connect with that physical sensation allow yourself to vacillate back and forth between the space that feels grounded and the space where you feel the emotion. The key here is to not try to change the emotion or physical sensation but just allow yourself to observe and describe what you notice happening.

• Stay here as long as you like. I recommend about 5-10 minutes. Once you’re done take some time to reflect on what you observed. Notice the thoughts, memories, and physical sensations that showed up.

As always, if you’re struggling and would like additional support please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Therapy, Feelings, and Ikea

I spend a lot of my day talking about feelings. I get to observe people sifting through their feelings, getting stuck, and trying to problem solve. It strikes me that a lot of our relationship with our emotions is centered around trying to change them, control them, or blaming ourselves for having them. For many of us, the only acceptable states to be in are happy, calm, and attentive to the needs of others. Probably one of the most common questions I get asked about feelings boils down to something along the lines of: “How do I make this feeling go away?”

Feelings are sort of like Ikea furniture: confusing, awkwardly constructed, sometimes surprisingly heavy, and, more often than not, just a pile of nonsensical, disconnected pieces until you finally put them all together. You might discover that you have to go back to the store to get some missing parts. You might need tools that weren’t included in the kit. You might need someone to hold up the other end of whatever thing you’re building at just the right angle for you to put it together. A great many of them may have odd names in a language you don’t quite understand. But if you want them to make sense, you’re going to have to slow down enough to read the instructions, organize the pieces, and move forward intentionally rather than just going ham with that tiny Allen wrench.

Somewhere along the way we got it into our heads that instructions are not important, that we can just power through; work harder, be stronger. Under those conditions it’s your fault if the MALM you were trying to build falls apart or looks nothing like the picture on the box. “Just hide the extra bits that didn’t fit, lean it against the wall, and pretend it’s fine.”

But here’s the thing: no amount of hard work and Allen wrenches will suffice if what you actually need is a hammer, a drill, and a friend to hold the other end of the thing you’re building so it doesn’t fall and crush you. No amount of strength will make up for the random dowel you’re missing.

If we keep leaving these things out the whole thing falls apart. We fall apart and it’s not our fault. It’s not because we’re not strong or smart or hardworking. It’s because we don’t permit ourselves and others the time, compassion, and support to put our feelings together in a way that is safe and coherent.

So, to whoever needs to hear this today: you’re enough and it’s not your fault that MALMs are a pain to assemble.

If you’d like support holding up the heavy pieces, or just want some new tools for your toolbox please don’t hesitate to reach out for support!

Sensory self-soothing techniques

Our senses are an extremely important part of how we interact with the world. They help us relate to others and understand our environment. We can also use our senses to help soothe and regulate our emotional distress. From a developmental perspective, it makes sense that some of our most fundamental self-soothing mechanisms tend to be fairly primal; things like eating, eye contact, movement, and sound. When we soothe a crying baby we typically engage in rocking, cooing, or some other sensory stimulation to communicate safety to a baby’s limbic system. As adults, our brain’s self-soothing mechanisms are not all that different from a baby’s, we just have a wider repertoire of available behaviors.

If you struggle with anxiety, irritability, or depression you may want to try creating your own self-soothing kit. I usually recommend that it be something portable so you can move it around your space as needed. You can start with items that target each of your basic 5 senses: taste, touch, sound, sight, and smell. Here are some ideas to get you started:

Taste:

• Peppermints, breath mints, lemon drops, Jolly Ranchers, tea, or a small snack of your choice.

Touch:

• Fidget cubes, dryer balls, fuzzy or silky scarves, squishy toys, hacky sacks, textured stickers, worry stones, Play-Doh, and thera-putty.

Sound:

• Consider creating playlists based on your mood or of songs that remind you of a particular time in your life. This is a great opportunity to practice some mindful listening and notice how music affects your mood.

• Wind chimes, nature sounds, ambient noise from an open window, rain sounds, and forest sounds (if you want to get really fancy with the forest sounds, check out Tree.fm or timberfestival.org both of which compile recordings of forests from around the world).

• Bilateral music has also been shown to reduce anxiety and increase focus in deeper brain regions because of how it alternately stimulates sound in the left and right ears. You will need headphones for this to work. If you’re looking for a playlist, I recommend checking out David Grand on iTunes.

Sight:

• Consider collecting pictures that are meaningful to you; they might be of friends and family or even of your younger self. I personally enjoy fun art and pictures of my cat looking silly.

• You may also be mindful of your space in general and choose to fill it with interesting things to look at such as crystals, rocks, bits of amber, or plants. If you prefer a more minimal space, you might choose just one item to be the focal point and trade it out every few days or weeks.

• If you’re feeling particularly artistic you might try making a vision board or a collage to keep inspiration going in your space and help you visualize your goals.

Smell:

• Candles, lotions, and room sprays can be great options for a soothing scent. If you have a more sensitive nose I would recommend opting for milder scents or even creating your own room spray at home using an essential oil or some fresh or dried herbs.

• Keep a small container of your favorite spice on hand i.e. cinnamon, rosemary, cloves, bay leaves.

• Some stores will sell small roll-on versions of essential oil perfumes that are both portable and mild; just make sure you’re not allergic before applying.

Hopefully this gives you some ideas to get started with. If you’re feeling extra adventurous you might also try keeping a bubble solution on hand to make breath-based mindfulness more fun or take a gander at making your own glitter bottle or jar; because bubbles and glitter are fun for all ages in my opinion. Above all, remember to have fun with it!