stress

An intro to mindfulness

There’s a pretty good chance that if you are a human being living in this world over the past few years you’ve heard a lot about mindfulness. You might have even tried an app like Calm or Headspace. You might have heard your friends, coworkers, or family members talk about meditating. So, what is the fuss all about?

Mindfulness is the practice of intentional, non-judgmental attunement, awareness, and attention to the present moment. It is a concept borrowed from Buddhist tradition, which has been used in a variety of clinical and therapeutic applications in the Western world since the 1970s. Notably, it is a major part of practices such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The theory is that if we can stay more present and attuned to our immediate experience in the moment we can develop an observer perspective around our emotions, thoughts, and actions which can allow us to reduce impulsivity and suffering. One of the core tenets of mindfulness practice is being able to accept pain as a part of life but acknowledging that we have control/choice over our suffering.

One of my favorite metaphors for this idea goes like this: Imagine that you are in the middle of a river and you are clinging to a rock. There is debris of all kinds going by and some of it is hitting you as you cling to the rock. Now, as you cling to this rock you might spend a lot of time worrying about what will happen if you let go or cursing the circumstances that got you to this rock in the first place. You might understandably be quite reluctant to let go of this rock. As you desperately float there, being pummeled by sticks and other bits of debris worrying about the future and regretting the past, you are stuck. This is suffering. Mindfulness is about acknowledging that you are clinging to this rock, radically accepting that you will have to let go of the rock to have any hope of getting out of the river, letting go of the judgement of yourself for having gotten stuck in the first place, and actually letting go so you can swim to the safety of the shore.

Mindfulness practices come in a variety of shapes and sizes. You might choose to meditate, you might choose to exercise, you might go for a walk, you might engage in art, dancing, reading, cooking, or making coffee. You might start with simply noticing how much of your day you spend in the seemingly productive, but ultimately frustrating and futile attempt to multitask. The wonderful thing about mindfulness is that there’s no wrong way to get started. It’s merely an invitation to notice and reflect on your observations without judgement.

If you’re looking for some easy practice ideas I recommend trying a guided meditation app. One of my favorites is Down Dog Meditation. You can also check out this book: Practicing Mindfulness: 75 Essential Meditations to Reduce Stress, Improve Mental Health, and Find Peace in the Everyday by Matthew Sockolov. Or you can check out this website for worksheets, guided meditations, and easy ways to get started: Mindfulness Exercises & Free Meditations | Mindfulness Exercises.

A caveat: meditation alone will not magically solve all your problems, cure an illness, or fix all your relationships. Mindfulness and meditation have been shown to change the ways in which our brain processes pain over time. It can allow us to shift our pain from going straight into suffering and pivot more into learning, curiosity, and compassion. I recommend starting with 10 minutes a day. And remember: there’s no wrong way to get started!

Building self-compassion

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes”—Pema Chodron

Life in 2020 has undeniably been difficult in ways none of us could have predicted. It has called on us to be brave, to be resourceful, and above all to be compassionate. How we navigate this space will undoubtedly change all of us in some way or another. Being a therapist in this space has been incredibly humbling; it is a rare occurrence that therapist and client navigate the same kind of trauma at the same time. I have been reflecting on Pema’s words during this time. I feel there is a lot of truth there. Our ability to hold space for others, whether it be for our family members, our partners, or the stranger on the street depends entirely on our ability to hold space for our own imperfections. In this time our imperfections may be more apparent than usual, so it may be harder than usual to hold space.

I invite you to take the time to practice some self-compassion in this time. To treat yourself as you would someone you care about. Notice where you might need to slow down, to take time, to hold your limits. Notice that your limits might change day to day or week to week. That’s okay.

If you find that you are struggling with staying present and mindful take time to ground yourself. My favorite methods usually involve the senses. Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • Take time to stretch, go for a long walk in nature, do yoga at home.

  • Be conscious of your space; take the time to clean up and arrange your space in a way that brings you joy.

  • Try a diffuser, incense stick, or scented candle. Pro tip: I recently found that I can get pineapple scented essential oil for my diffuser and it’s pretty much impossible to be unhappy when my house smells like pineapple candy.

  • Make your favorite tea. I enjoy herbal or fruity teas with lemon and sugar.

  • Create mood-based playlists to inspire you; find some songs that make it impossible to be unhappy, the sillier the song the better.

  • Take time to eat foods that make you feel good. I recently got a basil plant. It goes wonderfully with heirloom tomatoes, feta cheese, a hint of sea salt, and a drizzle of olive oil. Add some sourdough to dip in the leftover sauce at the bottom of the bowl and I’m in heaven. Also, I’m probably going to need a second basil plant.

  • Read a good book; bonus points if it’s a physical book and not an e-book so you can enjoy that book smell.

  • Take time to do something creative (and no criticizing the end result of your creativity). Try coloring, painting, finger painting, modeling clay, play-doh, or basically anything with a sensory component.

And if you find yourself getting stuck with your inner critic, take some deep breaths and try repeating this mantra as you breathe:

May I be safe.

May I be happy.

May I be free from suffering.

May I be kind to myself.

May I accept myself as I am.

And remember that the kinder you can be to yourself, the more space you will create for everyone else in your life.