The one about self-love

What’s the first thing that come to mind when you hear the phrase “love yourself”? How does that phrase make you feel? Be honest if you just rolled your eyes or felt a twinge of guilt for not checking this off your ever-expanding to do list. I see you.

While, we’ve started to have more collective conversations about the idea of self-love and self-care, they often get boiled down to surface-level platitudes about things like spa days and chocolate cake. Or perhaps an inspirational Instagram post with a cheesy quote overlaid on a picture of some mountains . Don’t get me wrong, I love me an inspirational quote as much as the next therapist and I have never been known to say no to a bit of chocolate cake, but I think there is a deeper conversation to be had about self-love and perhaps love in general.

We often think of love in the context of romance, self-sacrifice, and big gestures. Self-love is more often than not framed in the context of arrogance or self-indulgence. I believe that self-love is more complex than telling yourself that you look great every morning or that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread (though I’m sure you do and you are). Self-love is about balancing accountability with compassion and curiosity.

I invite you to notice you inner critic; how does that voice respond to your mistakes? How does it try to motivate you? Is your motivation based around shame, guilt, or a sense of lack? Where did you learn to respond to yourself in these ways? How would it feel to create motivation from a sense of abundance and worthiness? Self-love is not about indulgence it’s about the bigger picture. The long term of what you want your life to be. This means allowing yourself to rest when you need rest, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and allowing yourself to have fun. It also means holding yourself accountable to your goals, whether those goals are about community, your health, relationships, or finances. Sometimes self-love is about doing the things you don’t feel like doing in the moment and sometimes self-love is about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them.

Here are some suggestions for practice:

• When your inner critic shows up, approach them with curiosity. Ask whose voice is giving you those critical messages, when it showed up in your life, and what it’s trying to do for you.

• Try out alternative messages that are more compassionately stated. For example, rather than: “You need to stop being so lazy and do the dishes!” try: “You deserve to have a clean, calm space to relax.”

• Think about the long term goals you have for yourself and shift your language around those goals from “I should” to “I deserve.” Put that list somewhere you can see it every day. When you catch yourself shifting into “should” language, be curious and redirect to “I deserve” language. Notice how that feels different.

Try to be patient in this process. Self-love is not cultivated overnight and our inner critics are often reluctant to let go of their roles. If you find yourself struggling, you might want to start with listing out your reasons for being reluctant or afraid of loving yourself. As always, if you need further support, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Examining your relationship with your body

How would you define your relationship with your body? Is your body a tool? A friend? Your worst enemy? Something you reluctantly drag around with you all day? It would be fair to say, that if given the checkbox option in the relationship status department with our bodies most of us would choose “it’s complicated.”

I invite you to consider the following:

• How is your relationship with your body shaped by your family, your culture, your lovers, and/or the media you consume?

• What are the stories you tell yourself about your body?

• What are the stories other people have told you about your body?

• When is the last time you have expressed love or appreciation for your body?

For most, if not all, of the people I have worked with these questions can be quite difficult to consider. Whether because we are dissatisfied with the way our body looks, feels, or functions, or because we are stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of “self-improvement” we become progressively disconnected from our bodies. Two of my favorite authors, Emily Nagoski and Sonya Renee Taylor, speak to the idea of body shame as this profound loss of connection to our true selves. They invite us to consider how we felt about our bodies when we were very young and the shift from our bodies being loved, celebrated, and explored in amazement to the sense of shame, need to hide, and constant criticism that many of us find ourselves steeped in.

If you find yourself struggling with your own body. I would invite you to practice some gentle awareness. Spend time noticing the dialogue you engage in with your body and become aware of judgements, criticisms, and seemingly innocuous self-improvement statements. As you become aware of these, take the time to pay attention to any physical sensation or emotions that arise. See if you can notice and develop compassion and empathy for your body. If there are particular parts of your body you find yourself repeatedly criticizing I would encourage you to take the time to pay special attention to those parts; try massaging them, applying lotion, moving, or otherwise gently attending to those parts. You might not be all the way to loving everything about your body, but see if you can soften your stance toward it.

To create a regular practice of checking in with your body you might consider body-based mindfulness practices or even maintaining a journal of letters to and from your body over a period of several weeks or even months.

For additional reading and resources check out these books:

• The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Jonston

• Burnout by Emily Nagoski

• Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

• The Mindfulness Solution to Pain by Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix

• How to Live Well with Chronic Pain by Toni Bernhard

If you would like to work on building a more peaceful and fulfilling relationship with your body; please don’t hesitate to reach out!