Unpacking Emotions

You are likely familiar with the terms “processing” or “unpacking” emotions if you’ve ever been to therapy, or possibly browsed inspirational posts on Instagram. These are terms we use and hear fairly often, but rarely do we get to really dive into what they mean.

Emotions are made up of different “parts” that come together to create a larger experience. For example: when we experience anger, the neurochemistry in our brains creates physical sensations such as muscle tension, increased blood flow, and changes in body temperature. We also experience thoughts related to the situation we are angry about; we might find ourselves ruminating about whatever caused us to get angry in the first place. We may also exhibit external behaviors such as pacing, yelling, etc.

When we “unpack” these emotions we need to look at each of the components to better understand the whole. In addition to examining the emotion in the moment, it can also be helpful to look at patterns. For example, when have you seen this emotion show up in other parts of your life. What did you learn about this emotion growing up in your family of origin? How have you handled this emotion in the past? What other emotions does this emotion bring up for you? (i.e. how do you feel about the fact that you feel angry). This requires us to cultivate what’s called an “observer mindset.”

Here’s a quick mindfulness practice to help you get started:

• Begin by finding a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Take a few deep inhales through your nose and out through your mouth. You want to feel your belly moving.

• Notice your body. Locate a space in your body that feels grounded, neutral, or calm. If this is hard to do, you might just focus on the cool air as you breathe in and the warm air as you breathe out.

• Now come back to the feeling you are trying to unpack. Notice where in your body you feel that. It might be in your chest, your throat, your shoulders or somewhere else.

• When you can connect with that physical sensation allow yourself to vacillate back and forth between the space that feels grounded and the space where you feel the emotion. The key here is to not try to change the emotion or physical sensation but just allow yourself to observe and describe what you notice happening.

• Stay here as long as you like. I recommend about 5-10 minutes. Once you’re done take some time to reflect on what you observed. Notice the thoughts, memories, and physical sensations that showed up.

As always, if you’re struggling and would like additional support please don’t hesitate to reach out!

The one about self-love

What’s the first thing that come to mind when you hear the phrase “love yourself”? How does that phrase make you feel? Be honest if you just rolled your eyes or felt a twinge of guilt for not checking this off your ever-expanding to do list. I see you.

While, we’ve started to have more collective conversations about the idea of self-love and self-care, they often get boiled down to surface-level platitudes about things like spa days and chocolate cake. Or perhaps an inspirational Instagram post with a cheesy quote overlaid on a picture of some mountains . Don’t get me wrong, I love me an inspirational quote as much as the next therapist and I have never been known to say no to a bit of chocolate cake, but I think there is a deeper conversation to be had about self-love and perhaps love in general.

We often think of love in the context of romance, self-sacrifice, and big gestures. Self-love is more often than not framed in the context of arrogance or self-indulgence. I believe that self-love is more complex than telling yourself that you look great every morning or that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread (though I’m sure you do and you are). Self-love is about balancing accountability with compassion and curiosity.

I invite you to notice you inner critic; how does that voice respond to your mistakes? How does it try to motivate you? Is your motivation based around shame, guilt, or a sense of lack? Where did you learn to respond to yourself in these ways? How would it feel to create motivation from a sense of abundance and worthiness? Self-love is not about indulgence it’s about the bigger picture. The long term of what you want your life to be. This means allowing yourself to rest when you need rest, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and allowing yourself to have fun. It also means holding yourself accountable to your goals, whether those goals are about community, your health, relationships, or finances. Sometimes self-love is about doing the things you don’t feel like doing in the moment and sometimes self-love is about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them.

Here are some suggestions for practice:

• When your inner critic shows up, approach them with curiosity. Ask whose voice is giving you those critical messages, when it showed up in your life, and what it’s trying to do for you.

• Try out alternative messages that are more compassionately stated. For example, rather than: “You need to stop being so lazy and do the dishes!” try: “You deserve to have a clean, calm space to relax.”

• Think about the long term goals you have for yourself and shift your language around those goals from “I should” to “I deserve.” Put that list somewhere you can see it every day. When you catch yourself shifting into “should” language, be curious and redirect to “I deserve” language. Notice how that feels different.

Try to be patient in this process. Self-love is not cultivated overnight and our inner critics are often reluctant to let go of their roles. If you find yourself struggling, you might want to start with listing out your reasons for being reluctant or afraid of loving yourself. As always, if you need further support, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Building self-compassion

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes”—Pema Chodron

Life in 2020 has undeniably been difficult in ways none of us could have predicted. It has called on us to be brave, to be resourceful, and above all to be compassionate. How we navigate this space will undoubtedly change all of us in some way or another. Being a therapist in this space has been incredibly humbling; it is a rare occurrence that therapist and client navigate the same kind of trauma at the same time. I have been reflecting on Pema’s words during this time. I feel there is a lot of truth there. Our ability to hold space for others, whether it be for our family members, our partners, or the stranger on the street depends entirely on our ability to hold space for our own imperfections. In this time our imperfections may be more apparent than usual, so it may be harder than usual to hold space.

I invite you to take the time to practice some self-compassion in this time. To treat yourself as you would someone you care about. Notice where you might need to slow down, to take time, to hold your limits. Notice that your limits might change day to day or week to week. That’s okay.

If you find that you are struggling with staying present and mindful take time to ground yourself. My favorite methods usually involve the senses. Here are some ideas to get you started:

• Take time to stretch, go for a long walk in nature, do yoga at home.

• Be conscious of your space; take the time to clean up and arrange your space in a way that brings you joy.

• Try a diffuser, incense stick, or scented candle. Pro tip: I recently found that I can get pineapple scented essential oil for my diffuser and it’s pretty much impossible to be unhappy when my house smells like pineapple candy.

• Make your favorite tea. I enjoy herbal or fruity teas with lemon and sugar.

• Create mood-based playlists to inspire you; find some songs that make it impossible to be unhappy, the sillier the song the better.

• Take time to eat foods that make you feel good. I recently got a basil plant. It goes wonderfully with heirloom tomatoes, feta cheese, a hint of sea salt, and a drizzle of olive oil. Add some sourdough to dip in the leftover sauce at the bottom of the bowl and I’m in heaven. Also, I’m probably going to need a second basil plant.

• Read a good book; bonus points if it’s a physical book and not an e-book so you can enjoy that book smell.

• Take time to do something creative (and no criticizing the end result of your creativity). Try coloring, painting, finger painting, modeling clay, play-doh, or basically anything with a sensory component.

And if you find yourself getting stuck with your inner critic, take some deep breaths and try repeating this mantra as you breathe:

May I be safe.

May I be happy.

May I be free from suffering.

May I be kind to myself.

May I accept myself as I am.

And remember that the kinder you can be to yourself, the more space you will create for everyone else in your life.