What’s the first thing that come to mind when you hear the phrase “love yourself”? How does that phrase make you feel? Be honest if you just rolled your eyes or felt a twinge of guilt for not checking this off your ever-expanding to do list. I see you.
While, we’ve started to have more collective conversations about the idea of self-love and self-care, they often get boiled down to surface-level platitudes about things like spa days and chocolate cake. Or perhaps an inspirational Instagram post with a cheesy quote overlaid on a picture of some mountains . Don’t get me wrong, I love me an inspirational quote as much as the next therapist and I have never been known to say no to a bit of chocolate cake, but I think there is a deeper conversation to be had about self-love and perhaps love in general.
We often think of love in the context of romance, self-sacrifice, and big gestures. Self-love is more often than not framed in the context of arrogance or self-indulgence. I believe that self-love is more complex than telling yourself that you look great every morning or that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread (though I’m sure you do and you are). Self-love is about balancing accountability with compassion and curiosity.
I invite you to notice you inner critic; how does that voice respond to your mistakes? How does it try to motivate you? Is your motivation based around shame, guilt, or a sense of lack? Where did you learn to respond to yourself in these ways? How would it feel to create motivation from a sense of abundance and worthiness? Self-love is not about indulgence it’s about the bigger picture. The long term of what you want your life to be. This means allowing yourself to rest when you need rest, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and allowing yourself to have fun. It also means holding yourself accountable to your goals, whether those goals are about community, your health, relationships, or finances. Sometimes self-love is about doing the things you don’t feel like doing in the moment and sometimes self-love is about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them.
Here are some suggestions for practice:
When your inner critic shows up, approach them with curiosity. Ask whose voice is giving you those critical messages, when it showed up in your life, and what it’s trying to do for you.
Try out alternative messages that are more compassionately stated. For example, rather than: “You need to stop being so lazy and do the dishes!” try: “You deserve to have a clean, calm space to relax.”
Think about the long term goals you have for yourself and shift your language around those goals from “I should” to “I deserve.” Put that list somewhere you can see it every day. When you catch yourself shifting into “should” language, be curious and redirect to “I deserve” language. Notice how that feels different.
Try to be patient in this process. Self-love is not cultivated overnight and our inner critics are often reluctant to let go of their roles. If you find yourself struggling, you might want to start with listing out your reasons for being reluctant or afraid of loving yourself. As always, if you need further support, please don’t hesitate to reach out!