Therapy, Feelings, and Ikea

I spend a lot of my day talking about feelings. I get to observe people sifting through their feelings, getting stuck, and trying to problem solve. It strikes me that a lot of our relationship with our emotions is centered around trying to change them, control them, or blaming ourselves for having them. For many of us, the only acceptable states to be in are happy, calm, and attentive to the needs of others. Probably one of the most common questions I get asked about feelings boils down to something along the lines of: “How do I make this feeling go away?”

Feelings are sort of like Ikea furniture: confusing, awkwardly constructed, sometimes surprisingly heavy, and, more often than not, just a pile of nonsensical, disconnected pieces until you finally put them all together. You might discover that you have to go back to the store to get some missing parts. You might need tools that weren’t included in the kit. You might need someone to hold up the other end of whatever thing you’re building at just the right angle for you to put it together. A great many of them may have odd names in a language you don’t quite understand. But if you want them to make sense, you’re going to have to slow down enough to read the instructions, organize the pieces, and move forward intentionally rather than just going ham with that tiny Allen wrench.

Somewhere along the way we got it into our heads that instructions are not important, that we can just power through; work harder, be stronger. Under those conditions it’s your fault if the MALM you were trying to build falls apart or looks nothing like the picture on the box. “Just hide the extra bits that didn’t fit, lean it against the wall, and pretend it’s fine.”

But here’s the thing: no amount of hard work and Allen wrenches will suffice if what you actually need is a hammer, a drill, and a friend to hold the other end of the thing you’re building so it doesn’t fall and crush you. No amount of strength will make up for the random dowel you’re missing.

If we keep leaving these things out the whole thing falls apart. We fall apart and it’s not our fault. It’s not because we’re not strong or smart or hardworking. It’s because we don’t permit ourselves and others the time, compassion, and support to put our feelings together in a way that is safe and coherent.

So, to whoever needs to hear this today: you’re enough and it’s not your fault that MALMs are a pain to assemble.

If you’d like support holding up the heavy pieces, or just want some new tools for your toolbox please don’t hesitate to reach out for support!

Burnout and Compassion Fatigue

As we approach the world reopening I can’t help but reflect on the past year and a half. It feels as though we’re all re-emerging after a very long and very weird hibernation; like waking up from a collective bad dream. As we adjust to this new world, slowly, tentatively shedding our masks, seeing people, returning to our offices and sharing space again there is room to celebrate and there is also room to grieve. You may also find yourself, like many others, struggling with compassion fatigue and burnout. In more extreme cases, you may encounter your own trauma or, if you are in a helping profession, vicarious trauma.

Let’s do some term definitions before we dive in.

• Compassion fatigue: the psychic strain experienced when holding other people’s pain repeatedly or for an extended period of time. Symptoms can include exhaustion, disrupted sleep, irritability, emotional numbing or disconnect, and existential dread. When left unattended, compassion fatigue can develop into vicarious trauma with symptoms similar to PTSD.

• Burnout: the feeling of mental, physical, and/or emotional exhaustion caused by overwork and stress. Symptoms can include increased distress, irritability, difficulty concentrating, procrastination, and lack of motivation.

Burnout can typically be address by reducing workload, taking a vacation, or taking a break to refresh and reflect. Compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma may require you to do some deeper work. Both have a major impact on our quality of life, happiness, and overall fulfillment. Long term caregivers, medical workers, social workers, and therapists are among those who are particularly prone to experiencing compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma.

Now you may ask, why I am bringing this up now that the world is reopening? This is because as the world reopens and we shift out of actively dealing with a crisis a lot of us may find that we begin to feel the strain of the past year and a half more acutely and in different ways without the immediate crisis to distract us. As we all emerge, it’s a good time to mindfully notice, reflect, and recalibrate our boundaries, expectations, and energies.

I encourage you to start with a simple daily practice:

Take 10 minutes each morning over the next couple of weeks to tune in to your body. Start with 5 deep breaths, filling up all the way to your belly and exhaling slowly. Then, slowly scan your body for any tension, aches, pains, and strains. Allow yourself to move or stretch in any way that feels good to you. You may take a moment to massage any areas that feel particularly tight. Then, allow yourself a moment to ask the question: “What do I need right now?” Don’t overthink it. Just go with whatever show up first. It might be a drink of water, a snack, a hug, a snuggle with your pet. Allow yourself to meet this need.

For bonus points: allow yourself to become curious about how often we identify and immediately begin talking ourselves out of our needs. “I’ll have a rest after I do the laundry/finish this paper/clean the whole kitchen/finish this project for my boss.” Allow yourself these 10 minutes each morning to meet your own needs first, before anyone else’s.

For even more bonus points: try journaling about your experience over the course of several weeks or even months.

You can also check out the books below for more reading and information on these topics:

• Trauma Stewardship, by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky

• Burnout, by Emily Nagoski

• My Grandmother’s Hands, by Resmaa Manakem

I recommend completing this scale as a check in about every 6 months for a quick self-assessment: Professional Quality of Life Scale (PROQUOL)

As always, if you are struggling and would like professional support, please don’t hesitate to reach out! I’d love to hear from you!

Examining your relationship with your body

How would you define your relationship with your body? Is your body a tool? A friend? Your worst enemy? Something you reluctantly drag around with you all day? It would be fair to say, that if given the checkbox option in the relationship status department with our bodies most of us would choose “it’s complicated.”

I invite you to consider the following:

• How is your relationship with your body shaped by your family, your culture, your lovers, and/or the media you consume?

• What are the stories you tell yourself about your body?

• What are the stories other people have told you about your body?

• When is the last time you have expressed love or appreciation for your body?

For most, if not all, of the people I have worked with these questions can be quite difficult to consider. Whether because we are dissatisfied with the way our body looks, feels, or functions, or because we are stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of “self-improvement” we become progressively disconnected from our bodies. Two of my favorite authors, Emily Nagoski and Sonya Renee Taylor, speak to the idea of body shame as this profound loss of connection to our true selves. They invite us to consider how we felt about our bodies when we were very young and the shift from our bodies being loved, celebrated, and explored in amazement to the sense of shame, need to hide, and constant criticism that many of us find ourselves steeped in.

If you find yourself struggling with your own body. I would invite you to practice some gentle awareness. Spend time noticing the dialogue you engage in with your body and become aware of judgements, criticisms, and seemingly innocuous self-improvement statements. As you become aware of these, take the time to pay attention to any physical sensation or emotions that arise. See if you can notice and develop compassion and empathy for your body. If there are particular parts of your body you find yourself repeatedly criticizing I would encourage you to take the time to pay special attention to those parts; try massaging them, applying lotion, moving, or otherwise gently attending to those parts. You might not be all the way to loving everything about your body, but see if you can soften your stance toward it.

To create a regular practice of checking in with your body you might consider body-based mindfulness practices or even maintaining a journal of letters to and from your body over a period of several weeks or even months.

For additional reading and resources check out these books:

• The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor

• Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon

• Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Jonston

• Burnout by Emily Nagoski

• Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

• The Mindfulness Solution to Pain by Dr. Jackie Gardner-Nix

• How to Live Well with Chronic Pain by Toni Bernhard

If you would like to work on building a more peaceful and fulfilling relationship with your body; please don’t hesitate to reach out!