The one about self-love

What’s the first thing that come to mind when you hear the phrase “love yourself”? How does that phrase make you feel? Be honest if you just rolled your eyes or felt a twinge of guilt for not checking this off your ever-expanding to do list. I see you.

While, we’ve started to have more collective conversations about the idea of self-love and self-care, they often get boiled down to surface-level platitudes about things like spa days and chocolate cake. Or perhaps an inspirational Instagram post with a cheesy quote overlaid on a picture of some mountains . Don’t get me wrong, I love me an inspirational quote as much as the next therapist and I have never been known to say no to a bit of chocolate cake, but I think there is a deeper conversation to be had about self-love and perhaps love in general.

We often think of love in the context of romance, self-sacrifice, and big gestures. Self-love is more often than not framed in the context of arrogance or self-indulgence. I believe that self-love is more complex than telling yourself that you look great every morning or that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread (though I’m sure you do and you are). Self-love is about balancing accountability with compassion and curiosity.

I invite you to notice you inner critic; how does that voice respond to your mistakes? How does it try to motivate you? Is your motivation based around shame, guilt, or a sense of lack? Where did you learn to respond to yourself in these ways? How would it feel to create motivation from a sense of abundance and worthiness? Self-love is not about indulgence it’s about the bigger picture. The long term of what you want your life to be. This means allowing yourself to rest when you need rest, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, and allowing yourself to have fun. It also means holding yourself accountable to your goals, whether those goals are about community, your health, relationships, or finances. Sometimes self-love is about doing the things you don’t feel like doing in the moment and sometimes self-love is about setting boundaries for yourself and sticking to them.

Here are some suggestions for practice:

• When your inner critic shows up, approach them with curiosity. Ask whose voice is giving you those critical messages, when it showed up in your life, and what it’s trying to do for you.

• Try out alternative messages that are more compassionately stated. For example, rather than: “You need to stop being so lazy and do the dishes!” try: “You deserve to have a clean, calm space to relax.”

• Think about the long term goals you have for yourself and shift your language around those goals from “I should” to “I deserve.” Put that list somewhere you can see it every day. When you catch yourself shifting into “should” language, be curious and redirect to “I deserve” language. Notice how that feels different.

Try to be patient in this process. Self-love is not cultivated overnight and our inner critics are often reluctant to let go of their roles. If you find yourself struggling, you might want to start with listing out your reasons for being reluctant or afraid of loving yourself. As always, if you need further support, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

In defense of doing less

When was the last time you allowed yourself to rest? Really rest; not the kind of rest where you’re thinking about your to do list, the chores you “should” be doing, or the things you didn’t do? There’s a concept I came across at some point over the course of 2020: internalized capitalism. This can be simply defined as the belief that we need to be productive at all times and if we are not then we are failing.

As a consummate overachiever, this one hit a little bit too close to home, but I have found value in reflecting on my own relationship with work over this past year.

If you google “internalized capitalism” you will find a plethora of ways to spot the symptoms:

• Self-worth is derived from your work performance/accomplishments.

• Belief that hard work equals happiness.

• If you are not being “productive” you are “wasting” time.

• Not working means you are being “lazy.”

• Rest and fun are things to be earned rather than things you inherently deserve.

• Placing productivity over health (i.e. showing up to work sick, working from home when you’re sick, taking a sick day and spending it doing chores).

• Skipping your lunch break to do work, not taking your designated break times when you are at work.

• Working unpaid overtime, feeling like you have to stay late at work just to get all your tasks done, taking on more work when you’re overwhelmed.

• Feeling like you “owe” your employer for them giving you a job or feeling guilty about setting limits at work (leaving on time, taking vacation and sick time, saying no to additional tasks when you are overwhelmed).

• Prioritizing work over friendships, relationships, and rest.

• Overscheduling yourself or your kids.

• De-prioritizing sleep so you can get more work done whether it’s chores around the house, studying, or tasks for your job.

If you’re finding yourself cringing in recognition, don’t worry you’re not alone. I’ve been there and am still working on actively dismantling this in my own life. I invite you to join me if you feel so inclined. Here’s a few ideas to get you started:

• Intentionally practice slowing down and doing nothing by planning a slow day. Turn off the alarm, take the time to allow your body to naturally wake up, eat slower, turn off the screens, sit outside and watch the clouds go by, go for a slow walk.

• Take inventory of your relationship to your work. How do you feel about your job? What does your job mean to you? What boundaries do you need to set around work time? What feels hard to let go of?

• Plan for an extra day off from work to recharge once or twice a month to recharge. Notice what mental blocks show up for you at this suggestion.

• Reduce your screen time. I know this is a cliché, but it’s even more important now that most of us are spending large chunks of our day on screens.

• Find hobbies and activities that don’t require screens: coloring, drawing, reading physical books, newspapers, or magazines, cooking, crafting, gardening, etc.

• Choose calmer activities in the evening and be mindful of ambient noise (TV, podcasts, music) and how it makes you feel. Try switching to instrumental music or nature sounds rather than TV shows or podcasts late at night.

• Be mindful of caffeine intake. Caffeine has a half-life of about 6 hours. This means that if you have 16oz latte at 2pm that has an average of 300-400mg caffeine, you will still have 150-200mg of caffeine in your system by 8pm. If you have several cups of coffee a day this will add up pretty quickly.

• Allow yourself to step into curiosity and compassion rather than judgement around your patterns. Notice when you speak to yourself in “shoulds” or redress yourself for not following a routine. The goal here is to shift into compassion rather than condemnation.

As always, take time to be kind with and to yourself. If you are struggling with burnout, irritability, exhaustion, depressed mood, and/or anxiety, please don’t hesitate to reach out for additional support.

Boundaries and relationships

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) proposes that the way in which we achieve healing and growth is through the ability to hold and balance the tension between two opposing extremes (dialectics). It also proposes that within relationships we are always balancing 3 things: our needs, our values, and keeping the relationship. Often we can find ourselves sacrificing needs or values in service of trying to keep a relationship going. If you’ve ever held your tongue after an unpleasant conversation with your boss, your in-laws, or that coworker who never gets their projects in on time you are probably familiar with this concept.

Boundaries are inherently about how we take up space in the world. Some of our boundaries may be rigid and others are more permeable. If you find yourself being either too rigid or too permissive in your boundaries you are likely to experience either internal or relational distress. It’s important that we all learn to take up space in our relationships, in our world, and with each other. Boundaries allow us to negotiate relationships in ways that can better balance our values, needs, and the needs of the relationship.

Often I hear folks struggle with what happens after they express a need. Maybe the other person does not meet that need or maybe they have a strong reaction to a new boundary. If this leads you to rescind the original boundary you may find yourself inadvertently reinforcing bad behavior. Or you might find yourself in the camp of expressing a need, but then never following through on it. For example: asking your boss for time off only to find yourself at home checking your work email.

Here’s a quick DBT skill (DEAR MAN) to help you follow through with setting a boundary or expressing a need the next time you find yourself struggling. (I find that it can be helpful to write down and practice what you want to say a few times if you can.)

Describe: describe the situation at hand, sticking only to the facts. Avoid black and white statements (i.e. you never do the dishes! You’re always watching TV when I get home) and instead stick to factual descriptions (i.e. The last three nights I’ve noticed the sink has been full of dishes when I come home).

Express: Express your emotions about the given facts. Use “I-statements” and stick to describing emotions (i.e. sad, angry, happy, frustrated, excited etc). For example: “I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when the sink is full of dishes when I get home from work.” Rather than: “I feel like I have to do everything around here because you’re always watching TV!”

Assert: Be specific about how you would like the situation to be addressed. For example: “I would like you to do the dishes before I get home on weeknights.” or “It would really help me feel less overwhelmed if you did the dishes before I get home from work.” Rather than: “Can you do the dishes once in a while?”

Reinforce: Speak to positive or negative consequences of you either getting or not getting what you want. For example: “It would make me really happy if we could work together on keeping the house clean” or “I’m concerned that we will keep having this argument if we can’t work this out.”

The DEAR part is the part I recommend you write down and actively practice like a script. The MAN part is something you’ll want to keep in mind as you are having the discussion.

Mindful: Remain mindful of your goal in having the conversation about your need or boundary. You may need to redirect the conversation if it goes off course. You may also need to remain mindful of your tone and body language if you are having a particularly difficult discussion. Remember that it’s okay to take breaks if you find yourself getting overwhelmed.

Appear Confident: Be clear in what you want, don’t apologize for asking for needs or setting a boundary. Maintain open body language and good eye contact. For example: “I would like it if you did the dishes before I get home from work” rather than: “I’m sorry, but would you mind trying to do the dishes today?”

Negotiate: Be willing to negotiate when appropriate. It’s a good idea, when possible to strategize ahead of time how much you are willing to negotiate and with what. For the example with the dishes, you may consider whether you might offer to help with the dishes on some nights, load the dishwasher rather than doing the dishes by hand, or create a schedule to better manage dish duty. Sometimes, negotiating may not be appropriate and you may need to set a more rigid boundary, so be sure to consider your options ahead of time.

You will likely find that you will have to practice this process a few times before you feel really confident. If you need more support with practicing communication skills, don’t hesitate to reach out!